Lullaby
by icaughtfire
Summary: It's a rule friends become more than friends when living together in a cramped apartment with only one bed. Elex femslash.
1. ellie the dreamer

****

A/N: This story, well...it's one I've been putting off. I've done my Pellie story, done my Palex story. Now it's time to tackle some Elex. Just a heads up that it is in ELLIE'S point-of-view. It seems my best writing occurs when the monsters go bump in the night. The wee hours of the morning. Not that I consider one-thirty to be wee. Far from it really. Wee is a funny word. Wee wee wee...Anyway.

This fic shall be similar to Collide in the way that it has lyrics placed throughout. These lyrics are by Taking Back Sunday, a great band that I use a lot of lyrics from. Definately one to check out if you like emo type music. Without further ado, here it begins!

I wasn't expecting any of this to happen. I have to tell you that right from the start. I barely knew her. Alex, well, I became friends with her inadvertantly. You see, I had been dating Sean. Sean was friends with Jay. Jay had been dating Alex. Now, both us wonderful couples had been broken up. Lately, it had just been Alex and I.

I considered her my friend most definately, however, I wasn't sure what I was to her. We didn't talk all that much. We mostly liked to hang out and have a good time. That didn't matter though. Point was, she was there.  
I need some girl friends. Of course, I have Ashley but that's different. She's been busy with Craig a lot lately since his diagnosis. I didn't mind really. It was nice to get to know someone else.  
Alex was weird. Don't get me wrong, I loved the girl, but she was strange beyond belief. A little hard to figure out sometimes. She was nice to me though, and that's all that mattered. Besides, we're all a little eccentric, right?  
Marco and Alex were friends as well, so it wasn't odd for all three of us to hang out. Actually, my two friends tended to play cards together. Some game called euchre. I don't really know anything about it. It's fun to watch though. I love the look Marco gets on his face when he loses. Absolutely adorable.

Anyhow, things were getting a lot better in my life. I did lose my boyfriend, but not for a particularly bad reason. He had gone back to live with his family. It wasn't like with Alex, whose boyfriend had cheated on her with countless other girls. Including Emma Nelson, thought to be the biggest prude at Degrassi. But I'll get into that later.  
My mom's in a treatment facility. So I've been staying on my own at Sean and I's place. Money can be a little hard, but it's all okay in the end. I do wish that my father would come back, and my mother would come out of rehab, and we could all be a family again. This life I'm living? It seems like a dream.  
You can't run away from dreams, though. No matter how much you try, they'll always catch up with you.  
Alex came over that day, just to hang out and watch some videos or something. It was totally out of the blue when I asked her to move in with me. I guess living alone was starting to take its toll. I was getting lonely. She's my friend, and I figured why not ask? She considered, looking at me with utter seriousness.

"Sure, why not?" I was ecstatic when I heard her reply. I threw my arms around her in joy.  
"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" I shouted, hugging her. She pushed me away from her, a smile on her face. I could tell she was semi-excited. How couldn't you be? Parties all the time, someone always there for you.  
"That's enough. You're welcome though. I'll start packing tonight, and I'll move in tomorrow." Alex confirmed, giving me a light pat on the shoulder and an encouraging smile.  
With that, she left, leaving me alone in my deadly silent house.

I decided to go to bed, since there was nothing else to do. I crawled into the welcoming heaven, pulling the sheets up to my chin. I snuggled into them, feeling somthing tickling at my feet. I disappeared under the covers for a moment, coming back up victorious, with my loveable ferret in my arms. Bueller. He was something that was keeping me from going crazy. I loved that ferret. If it weren't for him, I'd probably be dead right now. You really can die of loneliness, you know. My grandmother did.  
I cuddled with Bueller until I fell into a deep sleep.

Alex was at my house. She gave me this intense look, this smoldering look of passion. I melted right there.  
I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She was so gorgeous. I wanted her right then and there. I pulled her to me forcefully, kissing her. She didn't resist as the kiss deepened.

I gasped, waking up from my dream. I rubbed my eyes, the daylight streaming through the window. I had just had a dream about Alex. A semi-erotic dream. And she was moving in today. I was sure it didn't mean anything. People have dreams all the time, right? It's not like I want to make out with her or anything. I thought for a moment. That idea actually seemed quite appealing to me. I'm just tired, I lied to myself, stretching. I got out of bed and warily made my way into the kitchen. I made some coffee. I wasn't sure why, but I was in a coffee mood. Heck, I don't even really like coffee. But that's beside the point.

__

Woke up yesterday  
with you on my mind

I was sitting in my recliner, sipping on the hot coffee and watching the morning news as I heard a knock on the door. I sat the coffee cup down on the table, making my way towards the entrance. I opened it, pleasantly surprised to see Alex there, smiling up at me.  
"Morning, sunshine." She greeted, sarcasm in her voice. I could tell she wasn't the biggest morning person.  
"I didn't say you had to get up this early."  
She shrugged, dragging her stuff inside and looking at me helplessly. Taking the hint, I walked into the hallway and grabbed the remaining boxes. I closed the door, and we both collapsed on the couch.

"Miss me?" Alex asked mockingly, throwing a glance in my direction.  
"Sure." I replied sarcastically, lying my head on her shoulder. She let her hand settle on my head.  
"Didn't know I was missable."  
"You learn something every day."  
Things were feeling a little awkward, at least to me. It was probably all in my mind actually. I was feeling wiggy after the dream I had. I was half-afraid Alex would somehow infiltrate my mind and find out I'd thought of her as more than a friend. Not that I did. I wasn't even sure. It could have been just a dream. Product of sleep deprivation. I wouldn't know until something happened. Of course, I wasn't willing to take a chance on our friendship. After all, she had just moved in with me. Needn't make things complicated.

We must have fallen asleep that way, much to my pleasure. Or at least my dream self's pleasure. I awoke, half confused about where I was. I pulled myself from Alex's arms and gave her an accusing glance.  
"What's going on?" I asked, yawning. My head was throbbing. Her eyes flashed open and she turned to look at me, equally confused look on her face.  
"We must have fallen asleep."  
"Well you were feeling me up there, Alex." I answered, trying to gauge a reaction. She chuckled, nodding.  
"You can't blame me, come on," She began, winking playfully. I knew she was joking. "It was my stupid idea to get up so early to move in here. I have no idea what I was thinking. Oh well. I guess I'm awake now that its noon." She continued, taking a glance at the clock. "I think lunch sounds like a fairly good idea."  
"I'm up for that!"

Alex waited patiently for me as I took a quick shower. I stood in the shower, letting the warm water wash over my body. It felt amazing. I shampooed my hair and rinsed it, reaching for the soap to wash my body. I then rinsed off, turning off the shower and reaching for my towel. Alex stood there, mischevious grin on her face.  
"Looking for this?" She asked, handing me my towel. I grabbed the towel, and pulled shut the shower curtain, embarrassed. I didn't want her to see me naked for longer than she already had. I dried off, wrapping myself in the towel and stepping gingerly out of the shower. She wasn't standing there when I got out.  
I regained my composure, trying to keep my breathing steady. It was simply a coincidence. She'd been getting restless. I'd been taking a long time. That's all. It meant nothing. I sighed deeply as I walked into my room and closed the door behind me, eager to decide what to wear for the day.  
I chose a simple pair of black pants, a nice amount of chains hanging from them. I also put on one of my favorite new shirts. It was a green one I'd bought the last time I had went to the mall with Ashley. I know, slightly insane. It wasn't often you caught me dead in a color non-black. What can I say? Green is a nice color.

Fully dressed, I returned to the living room. Alex was seated on the couch. When she saw me come in, she hopped up, eyes twinking.  
"Ready?"  
I nodded, still a little shaken about what had happened. These confusing feeling were definately starting to get to me. I shrugged those feelings away during the drive to the Dot. I didn't even know the dot was open this early. Actually, I don't remember the last time I'd gotten up before one on a Saturday. But that's just me.  
I hummed along to the music on the radio, much to Alex's disdain. She gave me a look. One that said 'Will you please shut up, I'm trying to not go deaf before I turn 40'. I closed my mouth, settling into my seat.  
It wasn't long before we arrived. My stomach was grateful.  
I ordered a hamburger and an order of fries. (A/N: Ellie's not a vegetarian that I know of!) I silently sipped on my coke as Alex drank her Mr. Pibb. We were both quiet, glancing at each other from time to time. I saw her unwrap her straw, and she blew the paper at me. I picked it up, wadding it into a ball and hurling it at her head. She laughed.  
"Well, don't I feel five years old." She exclaimed, giving me a grin. I hadn't seen that grin before. At least, not when it was meant for me. That was the kind of grin she used to give Jay. I swallowed roughly, taking a giant swig of my coke. I was trying to keep from talking, afraid I'd say something I shouldn't.  
"You're not so talkative today. Why's that?" Alex questioned, looking at me inquisitively. I shrugged.  
"Just got a lot on my mind, that's all."  
"Penny for your thoughts."  
"My thoughts cost more than that."  
"Oh. Sucks for me then. I don't make much more than a penny at that pitiful cinema. I suppose it's not too bad though, since Paige and I are dangerously close to becoming friends. At least, we're not mortal enemies anymore. We agree over the evil fake cheese."  
"Sounds like you guys have bonded."  
"Oh yeah, extreme bondage has gone on," Alex paused, realizing what she had said. "Uh, you know what I meant. So anyway, are you thinking about Sean?"  
I shook my head violently, blowing bubbles into my soda.

"Definately not."  
"Who then?" Alex pryed, intensity burning in her eyes. I looked away from her, lowering my voice.  
"Are you absolutely sure you want to know?" I asked, biting my bottom lip nervously.  
"Duh. I wouldn't have asked otherwise."  
"I had a dream about you last night." I admitted.  
I wasn't sure how she was going to take it. Alex was becoming one of my really good friends and all, but I knew nothing of her stand on homosexuality. She was friends with Marco who was gay, but that was totally different. He was a guy. And he didn't have a flaming crush on her. Not that I did. I didn't know anymore. I was so scared, so confused. Everything was so far out of my comfort zone.

I was swimming in the sea of Alex. Let's hope I don't drown.


	2. ellie the temptress

****

A/N: I apologize for the lack of updates on my stories in the past couple days...I've been busy and also unable to get onto the computer. It will be a few days before I update again, my birthday is coming up on Friday so I have tons to do to prepare for my party and everything. Again I apologize, but I'll definately be back with a new chapter on Saturday!  
**Make sure to review on this chapter, I worked EXTRA hard on it.**

I was shaking with anticipation following my little truth session with Alex. I noticed the look coming across her face. Slight shock. But at this point, I couldn't tell whether I'd get a negative or a positive reaction. All I could do was wait. It didn't take long. I saw a glint in her eye as she turned to me. Her face turned stony.  
"Ellie, you're an amazing girl, but-" I got up from my seat, pushing my glass off of the table in a blind rage. I was frustrated, and as I walked away, I felt a tugging on my arm. Swiftly I turned, surprised to see Alex.  
"You didn't let me finish. I was going to say 'but I'm not good enough for you.' Gosh. Let a girl speak before you go off thinking the wrong thing. I like you Ellie. Hell, it's crazy, but it is what it is. And I want to know what you intend to do about it."

Renewed hope flashed all around me, and my ears were ringing. My mouth hung open. Gazing at Alex, I clamped my mouth shut and kissed her, pulling her to me in a frenzy of emotions.

__

so afraid of running out of time  
so come around again and I'll show you what I mean

I felt her tremble beneath my touch. It made me think that maybe she wasn't as tough as I thought. She was an extraordinary girl, and at that moment, I believe I was happier than I have ever been. Anxiously, I pulled away, eager to see what would happen next. The look on her face was close to giddiness, and I saw her smile. "Now that's how you take charge." She said breathlessly, sitting back down in the booth. I joined her, fueled with intensified desire. We finished our food, and I slipped Alex's hand in mine as we vacated the Dot. It was now mid-afternoon, and the sky was brightly illuminated by the sun. I used my other hand to shield my eyes from the shining light that was burning my skin.  
Alex and I returned to my apartment, and I led her inside, a sly grin playing at my lips.

"You're a regular seductress, aren't you?" Alex asked me, raising a brow. I seized her, grabbing her by the arm and planting a kiss on her awaiting lips. Then I looked at her for a moment.  
"Some are just easily seducted." I countered, walking away from her and taking a place on the couch. She chuckled, following and joining me.  
"Is that so?" She questioned, eyes blazing with curiosity. "Maybe I'm just a lush. For all you know, I'm 'letting myself get seducted' by all sorts of people."  
"I'll just have to be better at it, then." I replied, running my finger down her jaw. She shuddered, and then gazed at me with bravery. She wrestled me down to the floor. I let out a laugh, closing my eyes. She smelled like lilac. Alex stopped wrestling me, simply put her arms around me, and we lay there.

I don't know how long we were there on the floor, but when we finally decided to get up, I looked out the window. It was beginning to get dark outside. I smirked, taking Alex by the hand and leading her to the porch. We sat there, eyes fixed upon the starlit sky. She turned to me.  
"I made a wish. Wanna help make it come true?"  
I shrugged with pretend reluctance. "Depends...what is this wish?"  
"How would you like to be my girlfriend?" She mouthed, and I practically fell over in disbelief.  
"I would like nothing more," I answered truthfully, voice silky. "But that might not be a good idea, considering how we were both recently dumped."  
"All the more reason to go for it. As long as we promise each other not to disappear, or to go sleep with half the school." She urged, wanting an answer from me.  
"I'll consider it," I began. I saw her face fall in despair, and I took her hand in mine, kissing it softly. "I was only joking. Of course I'll be your girlfriend. I'm new at all this though, so you'll have to help me out."  
"I can't help you," she confessed. "I know nothing more about it than you do. I just know I like you and that's enough for me."

She's like this gypsy, you see. She stole my heart early on. I didn't love her then, but I felt enough to know there wasn't anyone else I wanted. She gave me a reason to look forward to each day. And that, in intself, was amazing. It was a great feeling waking up the next morning, Alex's body tangled up in mine. I couldn't help but smile as I rubbed my weary eyes. It was natural to be a little frightened. God only knew how everyone would react. I decided to tell Marco first. Sneaking out of bed, careful not to wake Alex, I went into the living room. Grabbing my jacket, I took off for a walk to Marco's.

It seemed to take forever to get there, but that was only because I was so anxious. What I was feeling for Alex was something eloquent, quite like a poem or something. I know, it sounds cliche and everything. I can't help what I feel and now it's my job to proclaim it to the world. Slowly. Person by person. I certainly wasn't ready to stand on the bridge and shout it up to the heavens or anything. As I rang Marco's doorbell, I shoved my hands deep into my pockets. He opened the door, a look of surprise coming over him. He regained his composure, smiling and offering for me to come in. I did so, turning to Marco in excitement. He could tell something was up.  
"What do you need to tell me?" He asked, eyes sparkling. He was my best friend for this reason. He could read me like no other. Maybe he was clever, or maybe he just KNEW me.  
"It's about Alex." I said carefully, biting my lip in anticipation.  
"What about her? If its about her moving in with you, I already know."  
"No, no. It's not that. It's something else." I replied, trying not to reveal anything yet.  
"What? Is she okay?"  
"She's better than okay," I began. "She's my girlfriend!" I practically screamed, jumping up and down and capturing my best friend in a hug.

He stared at me, openmouthed. He was silent, just looking at me with that expression on his face.  
"Well, say something." I mumbled, excitement wearing off. He didn't seem...enthused.  
"I don't want her to hurt you." He whispered, grabbing me by my belt loop and pulling me to him. "She has a tendency to...be a little rough."  
"I know that, but she's different when it comes to this. Trust me. You weren't the one cuddling with her last night. I think I know better than you do." I snapped back, anger flashing instantly. I couldn't help it. He was acting like I was a child. I knew what I was doing. His reluctance was pissing me off.  
"Okay okay. Backing up now, both hands in the air. I'm just saying. Be careful. I care about you, Ellie. I don't want to see this ending up badly. I know you two are friends, and things like this can totally wreck that. Because when you break up..." He said, giving me a look of concern.  
"You said when. Like you're assuming for it to happen soon. News flash, Marco. We wouldn't be dating if we didn't think we could get through it. I just wanted you to be happy for me!" I acclaimed, maddened by his pitiful attempt at caring.

"I am happy for you." Marco argued, stepping in front of the door to keep me from leaving. "I'm happy for the both of you. I'm glad SOMEONE'S getting some." He said this last part quietly, collapsing against the door slowly.  
"What do you mean?" I asked, expression softly, taking a seat beside of him. He buried his head in his hands, digging his fingernails into his thick hair. I pulled his hands away from his head, forcing him to look at me.  
"Dylan and I...aren't doing so hot. Something's going on." He explained, face bleak. I scowled, hating to see my best friend this way. I instantly felt horrible for yelling at him earlier.  
"Oh, Marco..I'm sorry." I apologized, tears stinging at my eyes. It pained me to know that he wasn't happy. Because that was one of the most important things to me, that he was happy. "Is there anything I can do? Maybe I could come over and we could eat ice cream and watch chick flicks. Just you and me. What do you say?" I proposed, running my hand over his. He pulled it away, shaking with sobs. I was silent as he weeped deeply, feeling a wretched knot in my stomach. "Shhh, Marco." I tried to calm him, putting my arms around him and rocking him back in forth. He silenced himself, sniffing and looking up at me.  
"Just you and me?" He asked, wiping his nose with his sleeve.  
"Yes."  
"Okay."

I headed back to the apartment. Alex was sitting on the couch and when I walked in, she jumped up.  
"Where were you?" She questioned, desperation on her face. She must have been worried when she woke up and I was gone. I apologized to her, and explained the situation. She said she understood. I pulled her into a hug, her scent washing over me.  
"You're lovely beyond comprehension." I whispered into her ear, giving her a kiss on the cheek. She flung herself onto me, and I toppled onto the floor.  
"You're not leaving just yet." Alex demanded, planting light butterfly kisses all over my face. She worked her way down to my collarbone. Then she lifted me from the floor, pulling me onto her lap and kissing me straight on the lips. She parted her lips, kissing me deeper and with more intensity. I felt her heart beat faster and faster. My fingertips tingled as she let her hand wander down the back of my pants. I pushed her away from me, shaking my head.  
"I have to go. See you tomorrow." I got up from the floor, blowing her a kiss and heading out.

It's not that I was ready, it's just that wasn't the right moment. I was a little scared, I have to admit. Who could blame me though? I'm a virgin in all ways of the word. People assumed Sean and I did some stuff, but they were terribly wrong. He never pressured me into anything, so we never did anything. I was happy with that decision, especially now. I knew I would have regretted it, and I was right. After all, he did dump me and was living with his parents now. That would have hurt worse if I'd given him such a huge part of me.

I returned to Marco's, and he was waiting, dvds in hand and two little tubs of Ben & Jerry's. I flashed him a grin, joining him on the couch. We popped in the first dvd, and began our little movie night.  
This was one of the best nights of my life. Spending a night with my best friend in the entire world. It was nice. Comforting. After all, I'd felt Marco and I had been drifting a bit lately. He'd been all wrapped up in Dylan. Speaking of Dylan...I'm going to have to do something about that situation. No way was I letting a perfectly good relationship crumble before my eyes.


	3. ellie the angel

****

A/N: I apologize ahead of time...I realize now that this story is going to be very much like collide in the fact that I won't update as much as I can. I'm having problems writing this stuff. If Degrassi would show more Elex moments! I should probably watch the new episode a second time for their few minutes together. Is it weird that everytime it shows Ellie or Alex on the tv, I squeal? I also scream when it shows Paige. I cannot help my desires. I love all three of them, and if I could have them sleep in my bed for one night well...we won't go there. lol.  
By the way, my sweet sixteen was WONDERFUL!  
Anyhow, here's what my writer's block would allow me to write.

The next morning, I was awakened by Marco's telephone ringing. He rubbed his eyes, glancing at the phone in intense disdain. "Make it stopppp," I moaned, covering my head with a pillow. He got up, stumbling towards the phone and picking it up. He yawned in midspeak while saying "Hello?"  
I heard him talk for a minute or two, and then he hung the phone back up and jumped into bed with me. I felt his head on my shoulder.  
"That was Dylan calling to remind me of his party tonight."  
"You're going?" I asked, stifling my own yawn. I felt him shrug against me, pulling me tighter.  
"Maybe, I don't know."

I returned home gladly. I missed Alex like crazy, oddly enough. I tiptoed into my bedroom, seeing Alex fast asleep on my bed. Snickering lightly, I pounced on her. She jumped up from the bed and almost started choking me. When she saw it was me, she let out a not-too-pleased sound.  
"I'd guess neither of us are morning people." I said, voice chipper, as I'd been awake for a few hours.  
"You think?" She grumbled, pulling the covers away from me. I grabbed her by the arm, and kissed her. She closed her eyes tightly, face relaxing. She fumbled with her arms a little, trying to figure out where to put them so I didn't end up laying on them. She kissed me back, smiling. "Now, that's definately my favorite alarm clock ever."  
I laughed, pushing a strand of Alex's hair back behind her ear. "I'll remember that."  
We laid there for awhile, and then she finally got up. She stretched, and walked towards the bathroom. I followed her, and watched her brush her teeth. After she was done, I pulled her in for a kiss.

"Mmmmm. Minty fresh."  
"Compliments of Crest."

Alex put her arms around me, hugging me tightly. "Missed you." She whispered.  
"I missed you too." I replied, rubbing her back.  
"What's up with that?" She cracked, pulling away from me with a grin.  
"No idea. Oh, um, I wanted to ask you something," I began. She nodded, telling me to continue. "Dylan's having some party thing tonight. Marco and him are a bit distant lately, or at least Marco thinks so. He wants me to go to the party. I was wondering if you'd be willing to be my date."  
She looked at me carefully, hand on her chin. Then she shrugged.  
"Alright I suppose. Just don't blame me when people start rioting when they find out we're dating."  
I laughed. There was a twinge of seriousness in her voice though, and that disturbed me. I grabbed her hand, and made her sit back down on the bed.

I knew I had some major insecurities right about now. I was scared of people's reactions. I remember all the horrible stuff that happened to Marco. Still the horrible things that happen to him from time to time. I'm not ready for that. Stepping into that world of hurt and anguish. I don't want people automatically labeling me or being afraid to talk to me because they think I'm diseased or something. I'm STILL Ellie. I wish they'd see that.  
Maybe it'll be different because I'm female. I don't know. I've never been gay before. Alex is scared too, I know. Deep down, she's scared too. We're scared together, and that in itself makes it less scary.

"Tell me what's going on in your head." I said, kissing Alex's forehead lightly. She laced her fingers with mine, settling down into the bed a little.  
"Alright, Doctor," her tone turned serious. "I'm terrified. And I'm never scared. People in this town are idiots is all. I heard about what happened to Marco. Of course, that was different, but if that happened in this town, anything else can. I guess I'll have to make sure I look out for you is all." She squeezed my hand. The look on my face changed to one of confusion.

"Wait a minute. You're worried they're going to hurt me? That's why you're scared?"

"Yes. I really...do care about you a whole hell of a lot. I don't want to see you hurt. I can take care of myself, you know that one. But you're soft-hearted, and it's different. I want you to be safe. I need you to be safe. So if you think I can protect you, if you believe in my strength, then go ahead. We'll go to the party together."

"It's not you I need to believe in. It's them. I need to believe they won't hurt me."

__

And you can tell me  
exactly what you need

The rest of the day consisted of hamburgers and cruising around in Alex's car. Then it was time for the party. I was especially nervous. Marco picked us up, to conserve gas.  
"Hey, lovebirds." Marco cracked, looking at us mockingly. I could see the glint in his eye, though. That twinge of jealousy. I felt so bad for him. My goal for the night, to get Dylan to vocalize his feelings. If I had to beat it out of him, that was fine too. I've never beaten up a gay hockey player before, but I'll try anything once.  
We got into the car, and Alex kicked the back of Marco's seat. He rolled his eyes, beginning the short drive to Dylan's. He looked at me in the mirror, giving me an insecure smile. "I'm nervous." He admitted.  
Alex smiled. "I can help you with that." She handed him a cd, and he popped it in rather reluctantly. Then blasted loud tunes, those types of songs that everybody knows. YMCA was on as we arrived at the party, and all three of us were singing. As we got out of the car, Marco gave Alex a pat on the back.

"Good method to get my mind off of it."  
"No problem, Marco. It's the least I could do. You're practically my brother-in-law."

I took Alex's hand as we approached the door to the party. We walked in, and I made myself relax. Marco headed off Dylan's way, leaving my girlfriend and I completely alone.  
She was so beautiful, in a different kind of way. She didn't look like the other girls at my school. Didn't act like them either. That was probably why I was drawn to her. She had this special quality. I'm not sure what it is. She's also got this irresistible grin, and this sparkle in her eye when she's getting ready to do something you're not gonna like. Example? When she gets ready to tickle me. I hate being tickled.

Alex laughed when the music in the background turned to something slow. She held out her hand shakily, taking note of everyone around her. I don't know why we worried so much. It was mostly gay people at this party anyway. I saw two girls out of the corner of my eye making out on the stairs.  
"Dance with me?" She asked, shifting her weight uncomfortably. I could tell she wasn't really the dancing type. I wasn't really either, but it was nice for being close together. I nodded, taking her hand, and she pulled me slowly to her. Alex let her hands rest on my hips, while mine were around her neck, considering she was taller than me. I smiled, looking into her eyes. She was looking into mine as well. It's hard to explain, but it reminded me of this time I went swimming in a lake...

I pulled her body closer to mine and rested my head on her shoulder as we swayed to the music. Our bodies were touching completely, and every part of me was humming. I closed my eyes. I jumped when I heard a noise. Turning around, I saw Marco. The look on his face was complete devastation. I grabbed him in a hug, and he cried softly.  
"Dylan was...the dorm room...Eric...kissing." Half of what he was saying was inaudible because of the sobs coming from him. I struggled not to cry myself. I turned to Alex, giving her a look.  
"Take him into the car. We're leaving. Give me about five minutes." I demanded, stomping upstairs to the dorm rooms. I opened Dylan's door, and sure enough, there he was. The look on my face turned angry.

"I'll give you a chance to beg for mercy before I make your pretty face bleed. Marco's my best friend. And you claim you love him, too. When you love somebody, you don't usually go around sucking off other people's faces and god knows what else." I mumbled, walking towards him. The other guy looked uncomfortable. He kissed Dylan's cheek, whispering something in his ear, and made sure to walk out very fast.

"Ellie, it's not your business." Dylan argued, pushing my hand away from him.  
"I'd say its very much my business. Do you even love him?" I accused, screaming.  
"Of course I do! I never lied about that!"  
"WHY are you off kissing other people!" I questioned, poking a finger at him. He shook his head.  
"Thought you of all people would understand. After all, you're cheating on Sean with Alex, aren't you?"  
"I'm not dating Sean, and how did you--" I paused, realizing that Marco had told him. That upset me slightly. I never said to Marco that it was okay to tell anyone. "Just tell me why you were kissing that guy."  
"Marco's not here all the time. Loneliness happens. And there are people here, different people. I like those people. I can't help it."

"Oh yes, you can." I heard Marco's voice from the doorway. I backed away from Dylan, letting Marco talk to him. But it didn't take long. "Dylan, it's...o-over." He said, grabbing me and leaving before he got the chance to burst into tears again.

He drove us back home, and Alex and I were now sitting on the couch eating popcorn.  
"You don't know how sick of popcorn I get working where I do." She complained.  
"Next time you work, I'm coming to visit you. I have to see you in your cute uniform actually doing work," I stopped, thinking I was selfish. I felt so bad for Marco. He was my best friend, and he was hurting, all alone. What kind of friend was I? "Let's go visit Marco."

So we did.  
I was glad to see a smile on his cute face.


	4. ellie the daughter

****

A/N: I know. This has taken forever. Here's the final chapter...sorry to say I deleted Existentialism at Degrassi, because I completely lost focus on it. I apologize for that. However I have three new stories in the works...all slash, and I hope you'll enjoy those. One has a requested triangle between Paige, Alex, and Ellie. The other is the road trip sequel to rebel yell. The last one, I'm sure, will be very popular. An AU story where everyone at Degrassi is gay (aside from all the married teachers)

Marco hadn't spoke to or seen Dylan for months. He was trying his hardest not to think about him either. But I saw the hurt in his eyes. Alex and I made sure to stay with him as often as possible. Even then, we thought he'd get upset seeing our relationship bloom before his eyes. Truth was, things between Alex and I were great. Everyone at school found out, and there was more support than I was counting on.  
But then there was the day Alex told me she wanted to move out.

"Why?" I asked, feeling a stab of anger.  
"Because this is too much to take. I'm afraid we'll get sick of each other. And my mom wants me back home. I bet your mom would be happy to have you back, too. Ellie...it's not going to work."  
"What isn't? Living here? Or dating me?" I was starting to get upset. I felt like she was dumping me. She took my hand, looking at my sympathetically.  
"Just living here. I'm sorry. I've got my stuff packed up and I'm moving out today." She explained. I pulled away from her, stomping off into the bedroom and slamming the door. I sat down on the bed, and heard her footsteps leading this way. She was following me. My head was buried in my hands when she joined me on the bed.

Alex pulled my hands off of my face, frowning when she saw the tears spilling out. She cupped my face in her hands, giving me a short kiss.  
"Ellie, stop...please, don't cry. I'm not breaking up with you. I'd have to be an idiot to do that. It's just, I miss home. Who are we kidding? We still have 2 years left of high school. We can't live together. If we're still together when we graduate...we can live together then. We don't need to be in a hurry. We have all the time in the world." Her voice was reassuring, but I didn't want to listen. I sniffled, my body collapsing against hers. She threw her arms around me as I shook with sobs.

"I just don't want to lose you." I choked out, putting my arms around her shoulders and hugging her tight. She stroked my hair, making quiet shhing noises.  
"It's okay. You can't. But living together like this is moving too fast. We haven't been dating long enough to do this. All of this is new to us. Both of us. I think it would be better if we didn't live together. Okay?"  
I let go of her, nodding my head slowly. "Okay."

and we can talk all night  
and i will sing you lullabies

I helped Alex take her stuff out to her car, and stood there, frozen. She looked at me, and extended her hand. I took it, and she smiled, walking towards me. I jerked my head to the side, not willing to look at her. She gave me a warm hug, and a kiss on the cheek.  
"I love you." She whispered into my ear, untangling herself from me and getting into her car. She started it, and over the revv of the engine, I shouted.  
"I LOVE YOU TOO!" But I don't think she heard me.

I collapsed to the ground as she drove away, shaking with shivers. I was starting to realize that life wasn't just fun. Sometimes you had to let go of people in order to do what is best. I needed to move back in with my mom. Even though I didn't want to. I inched slowly into the apartment, picking up the phone.  
I stared at it for a moment, and then dialed my landlord's number.  
Bueller ran towards me, scampering over my feet. I giggled, dropping the phone and scooping him up in my arms. I'd been almost neglecting him lately. Been so busy with Alex and everything else. I was hoping my mom would let me bring him to the house because I couldn't just give him away.

I planted a kiss on Bueller's furry head and sat him back down, quickly grabbing the phone as the landlord answered. I informed him he was getting the 2 weeks notice. He grunted a couple times, and I hung up. I packed up my things, and called my mother. She was happy to hear I was coming home. She wanted me to right away. She said she'd pick me up in a couple hours and we'd go out to eat. I was going to move back in with my mother, and eventually in two weeks, the apartment would go up for rent to someone else. I sighed, sitting on the couch. I heard a knock on the door and I breathed deeply, walking towards it and opening it. I braced myself as my mother threw her arms around me. She started crying.

"I missed you so much, honey." She sniffled, looking down at Ferret Bueller. Her facial expression changed. "What's that?"  
"That's Bueller! He's my ferret. I was meaning to ask you, can I please take him home with me? I can't give him away. I love him." Her facial expression softened, and she nodded.

"I heard something interesting today." She mentioned as we were driving to the restaurant. "You're dating someone."  
I swallowed roughly, leaning back into my seat nervously. "Uh..y-yeah." I stuttered, scared to death of my mother at that moment. She just smiled.  
"That's good, honey. I'll have to meet her soon." My mom was acting like it was nothing. Like it was perfectly normal for her daughter to date a girl. I looked at her, somewhat surprised. She smiled, and so did I.

Maybe things wouldn't be so bad after all.

We went inside the restaurant, and ordered our food. I promised mom I'd be back in a few minutes, and went outside to call Alex.  
"Hello?" It was a relief to hear her voice. Now that I wasn't angry at her for moving out. It was funny how I missed her so much already. Probably because we weren't spending every waking moment together.  
"Alex, hey. My mom just picked me up, and I'm moving back in."  
I heard the smile in her voice. "That's wonderful, Ellie," Her voice quieted. "I miss you." I felt aching in my heart when I heard her tone. She really meant it.  
"I miss you too. Listen, my mom...she knows. About us. She's not angry at all. In fact, she wants to meet you!" I couldn't keep the excitement out of my voice. Life was getting better and better!

__

not in every arrow is pointed straight at your heart  
sorry for the time i said too much  
i was so afraid that you would fall out of touch

"Ellie, that's...wow. I don't know." I heard her doubting. I knew she was afraid. She wasn't good with making first impressions on people.  
"My mom's not that scary. Come on. What do you say we go out to dinner tomorrow night? Please? For me?"  
She sighed. "Okay. Call me with the details later. I have to go."  
"Me too."  
"Bye."

I hung up the phone, satisfied. I walked back into the restaurant, joining my mother at the table. I explained about Alex, and she seemed quite enthused. She said tomorrow was great for her. She was excited to "see the girl that made her daughter so happy". I thought that was sweet. The food came, and mother and I ate and talked, like we'd never been apart at all. It was nice to be with her when she wasn't drunk. She was finally sober. I was entirely thankful for that.  
I smiled as I ate, pleased with everything in my life right now.

I went back to my house, loving the feeling. It felt so much better than the apartment. I sunk into my bed, and my mother tucked me in, planting a kiss on my forehead. I dozed off before she had the chance to close the door.

The next day, I woke up. I took a hot shower, and wrapped myself in a green towel. Smiling to myself, I picked up the phone and called Alex.  
"Dinner's going to be at 6. Yep. Italian restaurant. I know. Dressing up? I don't know. I mean we're not going to be wearing our skank clothes or anything..."  
I heard her cute laugh at the other end of the phone. It was all set up. I hung up the phone, and walked towards my closet. I picked out a close-fitting black t-shirt and a pair of plaid dress pants. I slipped on these clothes, and laid back down on my bed.

Things were going so well lately. It was starting to scare me. I was afraid I was being prepared for something awful to happen. I closed my eyes, thinking. I felt something jump on me, and was thrilled to be face-to-face with my loveable ferret. He was so cute. I cuddled with him, getting a little of ferret hair on my outfit. I didn't mind. I was laughing when my mother walked in. She smiled.  
"Ellie. It's time to pick her up." I knew mom was anxious. She was about to meet someone who was entirely important in my life. I knew how much she'd hated Sean. That made me a bit worried. Then again, Sean and Alex weren't the same person.  
Thank god.

I was surprised when I saw Alex walking towards the car. She was wearing a tasteful black skirt and a white dressy shirt. I got out of the car, practically running towards her. She threw her arms around my neck. We hugged briefly.  
"You look amazing." I whispered. She kissed me quickly.  
"It's for you." I felt my face burn as Alex and I got into the back of the car. I saw my mom smile approvingly in the mirror.  
"Nice to meet you, Alex."  
"Nice to meet you too, Mrs. Nash." I curled my fingers over my girlfriend's, feeling more comfortable than ever in my life. I listened as the two most important people in my life had small talk. It was fun to hear what they talked about.

In no time, we were at the restaurant. We all ordered. I was ready for some spaghetti! I saw the smiles on my mom and Alex's faces. It made everything worth it.  
I looked to Alex. "I love you." I mouthed. Her smile widened, and she spoke back with her eyes. I smiled too, loving the way things were going in my life.  
Just when I thought things couldn't get any better, my cell phone rang.  
"Dad's coming home?"

__

i will sing you  
lullabies

****

-End A/N: Thought you'd like that ending. SUCH a fluffy chapter. Mmmm. The end.


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